It's not an excuse either, it's the truth. It was my coping skill, my survival, my protection, my disappointment, my fear, my heartache.
I gained weight. A lot of it. My self-deprecation makes me believe that I am aware that other people are aware that I am not a size 7 anymore. Laughing at myself makes me think that if I find humor in it, people will not be critical and I will not be fazed by it. Guess what? I am. I learned that tonight when inadvertently, and because I have trained others to laugh "with me" I was being laughed at. Should I be surprised that it hurt? Especially because every day I hurt, literally, at this truth. It is what weighs me down, (no pun intentionally intended ;)). See, outside I laugh, inside I cry.
It's no one thing's or person's fault. Gaining weight has taken many years. Just a few nights ago I was looking at a picture of myself taken when my oldest was 3 years old...17 years ago, maybe 15 to 20 lbs. over my desired weight. When I was pregnant with my second child I was taking a ballet class in the last trimester buns of steel I tell ya. Then after baby number three, I slipped right into my pre-pregnancy jeans. I was young and healthy and happy. Then life, real life started to occur. Anything that had previously had been hard, or sad or devastating began to take it's toll, as other hard, sad and devastating things began to affect or is that effect (feel free to correct me my dear editing friends, but only on that point, I'm too lazy to check and even if I did my 45 year old brain wouldn't remember anyway because I looked a few weeks ago to understand the difference and we all know how well that went) but I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes. Life.
In truth, I don't owe anyone an explanation. I wonder even at this moment why I even write to share it. Well, 1. I'm a sharer 2. 3. 4. 5. I could go on and on. Writing is cathartic. I have many journals from my youth and young adulthood. I quit writing too because life became complicated and I sort of, kind of, I mean really just quit. At my core (It's in here somewhere) I'm not a quitter. Even under all this multitude of sin (quote cred; Arlene Harris, Jeff's Grandmother, may she rest in peace) something deep in my soft core tells me that I am not living to my full potential. Dear everyone who struggles with weight, this is about me and my truth, not an examination, critique or judgement on anyone else or their truth.
All this weight makes me sad, unhappy, mad, and impatient and worse, insecure. When I look at pictures of myself, it isn't only the obvious weight I'm carrying on my frame that makes me aware that I no longer look like I did even 10 years ago, it is all that I described before that pores out of the windows of my soul...my eyes look so weary and sad and harder than being fat, is feeling insecure, and I don't want to feel like that anymore.
So what's next? A plan. Dig deep sister...I am in here somewhere, ready to evolve from this place that is no longer protecting me. Maybe sharing holds me accountable to the people I love the most, and the people who need me the most to be my best self.
Here goes everything. Click publish.
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| Moorpark College |
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| Boston |
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| South Padre Island |
