and then, understandably, some may feel uncomfortable and may not understand the sharing. I understand, I have had those same moments, and no one is as hard on me as I am on myself, especially when I am tired. It isn't my excuse or my justification. It is simply a part of who I am and it is something I would love to finally shed like an old coat that no longer serves its purpose. I tend to hang on to things thinking they are protecting me, when really they are holding me back, keeping me from moving forward with more fluidity and ease.
Today, I'm feeling unsure of myself, in comparison to others,and because my life has shifted from what was a normal or average day for the past several years, has changed because I'm working and I'm feeling a little off balance (maybe more than a little) and today it doesn't feel great. Today, my mind and heart are telling me to not neglect myself. Nothing good will come from it. Today I reached out for some validation and acceptance on social media when what I should have done before posting anything was kneel down by my bed and find some peace and comfort in prayer. I should have looked for my husband to keep me steady and safe. I should have found my children to look into their eyes to find courage, strength, and kindness. I should have turned on some crazy, good music and danced the blues away. I did talk to my sister though, whom I dedicate this blog (is this a blog?) to because I tell her everything. I'll remember for the next time, because the truth for me is, depression hurts, life's disappointments hurt, unknowingly or knowingly people are hurtful but no one has the power to change how I feel but me. Life doesn't owe me anything, people don't owe me anything. I owe it to myself to navigate all the good and the bad outside of myself and within myself and ask for the help that will do me some good so that ultimately I will be good for others. Tonight, I go to sleep somewhat morose as I figure my bad self out and try to come to a peaceful conclusion for the day. I'm sharing a poem which was originally written in Spanish, it's one of my Mom's favorites which I relate to in this moment.
At Peace (Creator of himself, of his destiny.) Very near my sunset, I bless you, Life because you never gave me neither unfilled hope nor unfair work, nor undeserved sorrow. Because I see at the end of my rough way that I was the architect of my own destiny and if I extracted the sweetness or the bitterness of things it was because I put the sweetness or the bitterness in them when I planted rose bushes I always harvested roses Certainly, winter is going to follow my youth But you didn’t tell me that May was eternal I found without a doubt long my nights of pain But you didn’t promise me only good nights And in exchange I had some peaceful ones I loved, I was loved, the sun caressed my face Life, you owe me nothing, Life, we are at peace! Written on March 20, 1915.
First things first: Get some sleep.
Good night, moon. (Did you see the moon last night? Good heavens.)
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